Monday, March 20, 2006

4:30AM Bad Night

Went to the hockey game with CS, it was good to be out of the house. We talked a lot about dad and how we both feel he isn't doing well, and won't be around much longer. She and I talked about all kinds of things that we really needed to from some funeral issues to what we thought it would be like splitting up a lifetime of stuff between my sister, my brother and me. We both know my brother won't really be a problem, but my sister in law may be. But whatever, she had no close relationship with either of my parents so she can butt out if it comes to that. Hopefully it won't. My concern was they would rush me out of the house with no time to adjust. CS actually brought it up that we would sell the house when we were ALL ready for it to happen. So that made me feel a lot better. I have lived in this house for 30 years all told. It will be hard to leave it, but the more I think about the possibility of buying it and staying here, I think it would just be too much. I don't know, we'll have to see how I feel down the road, but today in this moment, I want to sell it and start fresh.

We left the game and came home to check on my dad. He seemed okay, pretty alert even. Then we fixed his dinner and he ate about half of it. We waited on HM to come over and the three of us went to Manny's for their Stingrays deal. Buy one order of wings get one free, and 1/2 price pizza. It was great. We didn't stay long and came home.

CS left pretty much right away and so did HM. They both have work tomorrow. I got my stuff together to work on my English paper. Then I realize it is due TONIGHT! OH MY GOSH! So I get dad some water and his pills. (Apparently he couldn't back his wheelchair up 3 feet to get them off the table....not a good sign). I then went into my room to DO my research paper!

I checked on him a few times and then after I sent it in.....later by 5 minutes, I went to help him into bed. This was the worst yet. He didn't take his sleeping pill until he got in the bed, but it was still chaos. He was really weak and really difficult. Finally got him situated and went to bed. I was (am) exhausted from freaking out about my paper and just being emotionally spent.

I wake up about 2:30 to dad calling my name. I open my door and I can smell it before I even get down the hall. He had pooped in his bed. I will spare you the gorey details, but gorey they were. He was crying and groggy from his sleeping pill and it was insane.

How horrific for a grown man to have his daughter have to clean his private area. I felt so sorry for him. I tried to act like it was no big deal. I am not sure what we are going to do. I feel overwhelmed. I am just emotionally exhausted. I don't know what the right thing to do is. He is struggling and he isn't getting any better. He is not rebounding from this hospital visit. I know he won't go until it is his time, but I pray he finds some peace soon. This is no way for him to have to live. I know it could be so much worse. I should be grateful and I am, I just hate it for him.

Thanks Internet for listening. It's now 4:45AM and I really need to get some kind of sleep before tomorrow starts!


Paul said...

I remember when my mother was at this point and I felt horrible about it and hopeless truth be told. People cannot really understand it until they have to do it themselves-empathize though they may. Hang in there. You will get through it. :)

CharlestonGirl said...

You don't know how much I needed to hear that this morning...or maybe you do! Thank you. I'm hangin far.:) LOL

Joan said...

Tough times but still the right thing to do. Whew. Is there anyone to help you?

CharlestonGirl said...

My CS (crazy sister) helps when she can. She is a teacher, so she has to be at work M-F. Due to my dad needing help up off the toilet, she wouldn't be able do that. I do have some good news. Tomorrow sometime after 10am, a nurse with Hospice is coming in to do an assessment. I am so relieved to have some direction and some help. We are hanging in there. Keep your fingers crossed! :)