I opened my eyes this morning and saw Angels....dozens of them. It startled me at first and then it comforted me. I slept on the couch in our living room last night so that I would be able to hear my dad if he needed me. On the walls of our living room are angels...all different kinds of angels. My mom collected them for years. She passed away in January of 2000 after a battle with lung cancer, oddly enough this is where I slept so that I could hear her too.
All of this made me think of when I was a child in church. I never understood why people bowed their heads to pray to God. I always lifted my face up to the heavens. I wanted him to see me. I wanted him to know who it was and look down on me with love and compassion. I felt like I had nothing to be bowed down about. I understood it (or I thought I did) as a sign of respect, of defference. I just always felt and still do that it was more personal than all of that. I was/am a child of God. I lift my face and my voice and my heart and ask for peace for my father. My father is a son of God and as such is ready to come home, he has had a very long arduous journey. Surely it is time.
After a pretty bad day yesterday I phoned my dad's doctor and he recommended we call Hospice. He wants them to do an evaluation. At first I was a little freaked out, but then he explained that they do long term care not just imminent death or pallative care. I know dad is really close to passing on, I just didn't want him to feel like we are abandoning him or giving up on him.
The doctor was very nice and explained it all very well. I told my dad that a nurse was coming in to evaluate him. Then later when we were alone, I broached the subject again. This time I explained it to him until he understood clearly what was happening.
He agreed that we needed help. He feels bad that I am having to shoulder so much of what is being done, but I reminded him that we are in this together and he would do it for me.
It is now 11:45am and he isn't awake. He called me in there a little while ago and we got him bathed, but he is so out of it, I asked him if he wanted to sleep a little longer and he said yes. Why not? I mean, he is comfortable and sleeping at least he isn't stressed about anything that way.
I am hopeful that Hospice can help us insure that he holds on to as much of his dignity as possible. I want him to feel safe and unafraid, at least to the extent that is possible. I want to hear him laugh a little again and have some enjoyment in his life.
GOOD VIBES AND PRAYERS ALL AROUND.